The weather has been delightfully hot lately in Barcelona, perfect for hitting the beaches. Through selfless hard work and dedication, I’ve spent a lot of time on Marbella beach to document the various species found on Barcelona’s gay beach. Below is my analysis.

The Aussiebum Daddy – Found wearing a completely age inappropriate swimsuit. SEXY or some other similarly ridiculous phrase is often plastered across the (sagging) ass.

Sexy Spanish Men

The Nudest – Far too comfortable with being nude, which makes everyone else around him/her uncomfortable. Oddly enough, the people that are overweight are almost always the most comfortable being nude.

The Nudest

Steroid Sam – Gay Barcelona is dominated by them. Traveling in tribes, they’re often easily identified by the back acne.

Steroid Sam

The Promos – Found handing out fliers for the latest “not to miss” party. In an effort to get attention, they’re either 1) ridiculously sexy (often gogo’s) or 2) plain ridiculous, although not necessarily in a bad way (think tranny in high heels on the beach)

The Promos

Mr. & Mrs. Confused – Typically middle aged, these tourists have no idea how they ended up on a gay beach. They sit and gawk because they find it too interesting to leave.

The Confused Family

Vendors – They walk along the beach shouting their mantra, “Coca-Cola, Cervesa, Beer, Agua Fria”. Occasionally, they’ll also try to sell you a samosas, fresh coconut or hashish.

Barcelona Beach Vendor

The ‘Masseuse” – “Masaje, masaje!” Five euros will buy you 15 minutes of the most unhygienic massage you’ll have in your entire life. Guaranteed. 10 euro more will buy you a “Masaje total”.

Barcelona Masseuse

The pick-pockets – They’ll all over, so carefully watch your belongings. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.